At a [Standstill]

Because I struggle in the department of Asking For Help, I write an explosion of feelings and post them where the whole world can see them.

Emotionally.

It's kinda like 

A slow sting 

located at the core of my spine

gradually crippling 

all the feeling in

my hands and feet 

delaying me to move forward.

I'm at a standstill

swaying back and forth 

instead of actually 

going anywhere

Where even am I going?

Why do I have this desire to 

claw through my flesh.

I just want to be free

Emancipated from the growing

pressure

Is it well with my soul

if I do exactly that?

My body and soul 

Constantly 

In a battle 

slashing and ripping 

through any chance of re-coop.

Almost a fight to the death.

Constantly disagreeing with 

each other.

I think it's safe to say now, 

I am lonely

I am tired

I want to feel self worth

I need to feel enough. 

My mind tells me I am enough.

And so does God, 

But isn't there supposed to be 

comfort in the knowledge?

"I'm working on it."

Yeah, 

And i'm just patiently 

waiting.

in a 

Standstill.

I Need To [Do This].

I've literally  tried to write this post four different times in the course of a month. Things are just constantly getting in the way. I can never find a time where I just sit down, and do something that makes me feel good about myself. Every time I've tried to write a post, I have started each one with a different title.
One was titled "culture shock " but I stopped mid paragraph because I couldn't actually write anything that had to do with what is happening with my life right there in that moment.
I have so much going on I am struggling to keep them all together in my head.
So to actually start this post, I am just going to list what is happening in the life of Arielle.

School - I have all  the school work ever. Almost more than I can handle.
Youth Ministry- I love my girls more than anything, but right now we've hit a couple of bumps in our journey together and it has been a little tough. I love every second with my favorite little ladies.
Friends - BALANCING MY FRIENDSHIPS. I wanna be close with  a lot of people, but holy freaking man is it difficult.
Potential lovers -  I chuckled at this, because there are none. Sure, I may be fond of someone, but little miss Arielle is, and probably will forever will be known as "My friend Arielle". HEY GUYS WHATS UP. I mean, I'm just ready to be close to someone on a relationship kind of level. I AM READY TO GO. Others like to tell me," Your'e young. Live while you can." HA. Yep, young and  I have the desire to be in a relationship. But don't worry, the search is over, (that's a lie, my menu is always open) But patience.
also, Pairs don't grow on trees gentleman.
Friends gig - I am so incredibly stoked for this day in particular, because I haven't been to a good concert in a good while. Not only is my friend opening for a band that is so stinking good I cross my eyes every time I mention how good they are, I also have the freaking opportunity to meet them. It's gonna be beyond awesome. So. Freaking. Stoked.
Homeless people watching - I get to chill out and be security all night. I might even get to connect with some people. Kind of excited, but also not because well, sleep.
Thanksgiving - This will be a moment where I can just chill out with my family and eat all the food I want. oh wait.
I work retail.
Black Friday - Two words: Thirteen hours.
Work - I stinking love all the people I work with. I hate the higher management. Don't apply for retail unless you know the company well, and the company itself has their crap together.
A Friends November wedding - I got a hot date, and her and I have Fro telepathy. so it'll be fun cause we gon look hawt. and I'm gonna do my hair all nice. I might even put on fake eyelashes. hahahaha... Totally won't because, I ain't about that artificial life. (menu will be wide open ya'll)
A friends December wedding- I also have a date, but with a dear friend of mine.
Another wedding in December - My step mom is making the desserts for this wedding, and I will help make all the desserts in the world. There will only be about 50 people there, but we are making about six different things.
Over 50 cookies
Over 50 brownies
lots of cheescake
home-made candy
and all the cupcakes in the world.
all that have to be freshly made for the day of the wedding.
Christmas - More family time^.^ But actual family time this time.
Then, 
Isreal the day after Christmas. I GET TO RIDE A CAMEL
and sleep underneath the stars on a ground that Jesus himself roamed.
and the best part is, I get to spend 11 days OUTSIDE of America (I love America, I just want to experience something different, and a culture shock.)
with the people who kinda have my heart. #SEUMAlife

In no particular order, this is just a chunk that I have floating around my noggin at every moment of every day.
I needed to get all that out, because, I was on the verge of exploding.


Me currently.


 But wait, i'm chill. Promise.

Just on the verge of insanity.

Ignoramus.

I'm not sure if I’ll actually post this or not because it may get a little bit personal.

But if you're reading this currently, it means that I posted it.

 Duh.

I have feelings.

I may not necessarily show them all the time,

But they’re there. Promise.

So at the age of twenty, I am going to discuss the subject of boys.

Yep. Boys.

I do this thing where I’ll like someone for a good period of time then outta no where

They throw the “Oh, Arielle?

Her and I are just friends” phrase in my face.

Why you do this?

It crushes me into a million tiny little pieces.

I swear I’ve been sprayed with permanent “attractive guy repellent”.

 For weeks I’d look at my phone helplessly only to see no text message

From someone I potentially care a lot about.

Ok they might be busy, but hey. So am I.

But you boys are so freaking confusing.

I’ll have this inkling of someone potentially liking me.

Then years later I come to find out you did like me, but didn’t do ANYTHING about it.

I mean what the crap?

Why don’t you guys just grow a pear and say something for once?

Oh you guys also do this thing where you’ll text and talk to us and flirt with us like you

Like us.

WRONG.

You’re just being a “nice guy”.

NO. You are an ignoramus if you think that.

Here’s lesson 1 in the book of “How woman Think”:

You can’t flirt with us without us having the slightest idea that you like us.

We WILL think that you like us. Then if the flirting continues, then WE WILL END UP LIKING YOU.

But chill out. Us liking you is not us declaring that we want your babies,

Or wanna get married right then and there

Or even want a serious relationship. Not yet anyways.

All we want AT THAT VERY MOMENT is for you to just acknowledge

The fact that you too care about us.

So send us cute text messages.

Get to know us. Be genuinely interested.

THEN.

IF... (I say if lightly because it  almost NEVER happens)

We approve of you, we may be interested in a relationship.

This is when you should ask us out.

But seriously, that NEVER BLOODY HAPPENS.

I’m at this stage in life where a lot of my friends

are already in serious relationships.

And getting married.

I’ll jokingly say, “haha I want to get married right now!”

When I don’t actually have any desire of getting married

Right now.

I honestly just want that person in my life that I can care for on such a level of profoundness... I can't even fathom that yet.

Because at the same time, I am insanely terrified of being in a relationship.

How the heck is that possible?

I guess I am now and forever will be
 the [Ignoramus] with the awesome permanent attractive guy repellent sprayed all over me. 

My Crappy Redundant Thoughts

There are just some things in life that we can't change.
This in itself drives me ape crazy. Yeah, APE CRAZY. Not because I'm a controlling freak, but because
when it comes to those things, It's usually aspects about my life that I don't like.
Such as the way I look.
 I know what all ya'll are thinking, how could I not like the way that I look?
Easy.

 When I was in middle school I was put down so hard.
I hated my natural hair so I kept it straight alllll the freaking time. Even when my hair was straight,
I hated it. I got comments like:
 " Your hair is the same color as your skin" and "What are you? Albino?"
So I hated the way I looked. All the time.

Has the way that I feel about myself changed since then?
Meh.

I still have moments where I look at myself in the mirror and think,
"I would look so much more attractive if I had softer, white girl hair." or.
"Man, if only I didn't have acne" or, "If I was as successful as her"
Or my favorite,
"If only I looked like this chick (insert perfect white chick here), then maybe
the guy I liked would actually talk to me."


I honestly hate looking at myself so much sometimes. But what I hate most is that I literally
 do it to myself.

If I would just take a couple of steps back and realize...

Ok, I'm going to get really cliche.
But only because it's the cold hard truth.

...How could I [redundantly] put myself down when I know that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".
I am sure as beans that God doesn't sit on his throne day by day, throwing negative thoughts into my head.
I have come to the understanding that
I HAVE TO MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN MYSELF.
I  cannot wallow around in my low self esteem, and expect it to just be flushed away.
So I've decided to do this thing I call "Do me". Which is me basically not giving two rats bottoms what
the world wants to think about me and my hair or skin color. If I wanna dress a certain way ( without lacking modesty but totally lacking all girlishness and femininity ) then I'm gonna rock it. To show how little I care really will be the best thing I've ever done. But I will strategically do it, so that I won't be cocky or selfish, but I will then be able to focus all my energy on ministry and what I love doing.

So ladies.
and gents.
Your'e perf. Just the way you are, sitting here reading my blog.
Unless you're an ax murdering serial killing drug addict..
well,
If you're an ax murdering serial killing drug addict, you really should find yourself.
Cause Jesus forgives everyone.

Calamine Lotion and The Jonas Brothers.

After having my brilliant computer log me out of my blogger account, it has taken me days (really weeks) to remember my password.

Of course when I had given up and decided to end my struggle with remembering my password, I tried just throwing in a capital letter into the password that I last remember using.

And it worked.

 Figures.

So I am now sitting here. Trying to figure out something that could stand for a substantial blog post.

Let's go over the current events from today:

I stayed in bed until 12.

Now I have my reasons, I'm not a complete bum.

I was having one of the coolest dreams ever.

In my dream, I was on the run from the world because apparently batman was "the bad guy".

But he was also my father.

wut.

YEAH THAT. 

Then after waking up, and watching about five episodes of iCarly, (yes, I'm such a child)

I cleaned my room. Woo exciting right? What would have taken me about half an hour, took me two hours because I was jammin' hard to The Jonas brothers(still a child).

When I mean jammin', I mean that I was running around in my pj's singing "Hold On" and "Year 3000" at the top of my lungs. 

If they ever got back together, I could see myself joining their band, and them changing the band name to "The Jonas Family". 

Or I could just marry into the family. Which ever comes first.

Also, My armpits itch. 

 Why?

Because certain people are allergic to certain deodorants. And those certain deodorants happen to be most of them. 

Degree, secret, dove, speed stick. 

The only brand that hasn't failed me (yet) is Old Spice. 

My armpits itched so badly that I spread about an inch of calamine lotion onto the underpart of my arms. 

I know, I sound like an idiot.

Just when you see a girl vigorously scratching her armpits like a deranged ape, know that she's probably allergic to her deodorant. 

 *mental face palm* I'm just so irresistible to the opposite gender.

SIDE NOTE: I call dibs on Nick Jonas.

I'm a firebird.

IIt's the first day of me being apart of the Potomac youth camp staff. 

And I feel like hurling. 

The inevitability of people not liking me, and me failing as a counselor swallow any chance of thinking about having a good time. 

I open the door to the token prayer room and hold my breath.

 We are early, so we are one of the first groups to show up.

I relax a little.

I've been praying about this. I know that God wouldn't send me here to be destroyed by kids  with big egos. He brought me here to lead them. 

It begins. We are given a paraphrased version of the rules and code of conduct, and we are sent to work on our teams flag. 

Others go to Walmart to buy things to attach to their flag, while I and my co- counselor figure out what to do for our flag. Not many options, so we choose to free hand everything and sproose it up with glitter and feathers.

The flag took us forever, we finished the main details at around 1 in the morning with still things left to do. It was beautiful. 

And so, it was then that I became a Firebird. Or so I thought.

I was determined to encourage the kids on the sports field and scream until  my voice had left me.

Day 1: I wake up, and my voice is already gone. I didn't even have the chance to scream our cheer yet.

It's time for me to meet the girls I get to counsel for the week. 

I put on my I'm-not-nervous-to-meet-you-all face on and walk into their rooms. 

Holy cow. [moo]

Every one of them are the coolest people I could have ever imagined to meet. Each one equipped with their own personality and perspective on the world. 

After meeting my girls, I begin to develope a sense of being comfortable.

I'm not sure how comfortable they were, with my screechy man voice and incredibly invasive sense of humor.

The rest of the week goes according to plan, with having to scrape some of my girls out of their beds in the morning, to coaching them on the field(and in their rooms because I don't even think the word "tidy" stuck in their brains),to leading them in prayer and worship during the services. I loved every moment with these girls. 

I even made friends with other students, got told that I looked like River Song from Doctor Who, and got pushed into the pool. 

It was a blast. I couldn't be more proud. My kids say that I was a great counselor, but I truly believe that it was them that had shaped me into a good counselor. God totally knew what he was doing.

So when I say I became a firebird at camp, that is an understatement.

I was a firebird at heart.

Stay orange my friends.

[Created] By Chad Payne

Make me a fire

Set me a blaze

Burn the whole world down

But when the ashes fall

We all begin to see

That the dust of the world is what's in our bones

Put there and sowed together with words

Your light is an xray

Exposing all the demons in our blood

I fall to my knees and scream for the rain

The water that I drink is the blood of the son

Washing me clean 

So drown me in a sea

Burn me from the inside out

It's a reminder that all I'm made of

Is by the words of your tongue. 

A Perspective. By Mark Hegeman

        Who am I kidding? I saw it coming from a mile away. That 18 wheeler of "you're not good enoughs" and "not now, but maybe laters" had sideswiped me and I feel like I let it. In my rear view I can replay it so clearly. Horn blaring and lights flashing all the signs for a disaster were present and now I'm here on the side of the road laying in a pool of myself with my emotional entrails in my hands. Is it weird I feel warm? I can feel myself baking in the hot sun. I can feel my heart beating to the beat of the song still playing on the radio. I maybe in the midst of a disaster but I can still find solace and beauty in the breakdown of things. I get to lay what I'm made of out on the table and examine every piece of me that wasn't worth the fight. The autopsy will read like this, he was a fine young man. 5'11 when he wanted to impress someone 5'10 when no one was asking. He didn't die but here he lay in our morgue. His heart still beats but his old life lay on the table. Your smile was shattered in several places, probably do to my attitude. Your patience suffered several lacerations which the doctors believe to be due to the pressure of being with me. I watched all of these conclusions find their place on the report from my ghostly corner, still carrying my heart, still beating to some ghastly tune still playing on the radio. I am silent and still. Still thinking about being better and still laying on the table while the doctors probe and find out more about me than me myself. The funny thing is as empty as I feel, as lonely as you left me, that's where I find peace. You forget that alone is how you met me. I found company amongst the buzzards and as they peeled me back layer by layer just like these lab coats I saw what I was made of, I saw underneath all the bullshit, I was always the man you wanted, you just didn't.

Bittersweet Disposition

To live in a world of hatred

a world of distorted disposition.

Is a challenge in itself. 

But the world revolves around a cause and effect sort of deal.

We all like to blame 

Everything and everyone but ourselves 

But we search for reasons to continue 

Being what we aren't

I sit and ponder this 

Criss-cross style on the edge 

Of a river

Letting the sound of the light brown 

Waves pull me.

No sun is visible, but it's unmistakably bright 

Making me squint my eyes

This place isn't my own

But in that moment I am alone.

The good kind of alone.

Past events that surf through

 my mind 

are lulled away with the rhythm of the tide. 

I normally take longer to 

Recooperate 

This time, I grab my stuff and leave 

Right before the sun sets 

Getting into my car

I start my engine 

And begin to drive back

To I'm not sure where

I then let my thoughts wonder

And I think about having a 

Significant other and 

Long to 

Be held 

And put before almost anything

Except God.

To have someone understand 

My misunderstandings 

And relate to the unrelatable.

But it's all in the hands of God, 

Because I sure as heck 

Don't trust anyone enough 

To take that place in my life 

Yeah I'm single 

And yeah I'll tell you I'm happy

Being a single woman

But it's hard

And irritating.

 But hey, 

It's bittersweet disposition.

frustration level: MAX

Searing pain shoots up into my leg

Slowly getting worse with each second

 I imagine that the table has no damage

Because my toe has no match

To the wooden leg attached to the table

No breaks

Just bruises

I guess this is how I’m going

To start my glorious morning

I had already tripped up the stairs.

And slipped on the tile 

In my bathroom

Stepping out of the comfort

Of the warm tub.

Maybe gravity decided to pick on me today.

 Well good morning gravity.

It’s a school day, so

Approximately twenty minutes before

I have to get to school

Haven’t even brushed my teeth yet

Or fluffed my hair

Or picked out an outfit.

“hey can you take me to school?

I missed the bus”

Pleading brother asking to take him

Because no one else could

20 minutes now decreased to 5.

Skip breakfast

No makeup

Brush teeth

Rush out the door.

It’s freezing outside

The cold hitting my cheeks

Making goose bumps rise on my arms

My car is frosted over

Forcing me to have to scrape

All the windows in order for me

To drive safely

I go to open my door

It’s locked

Oh wait.

It’s frozen shut.

Joy.

I am for sure going to be late now

Ten minutes till I have to be at school

Running inside to grab a cup of warm water

I slip going up the stairs – again.

I’m about to give up

I start pouring the water on my door

I give it a tug

Nothing

Another

And finally, the door comes open

And I start my car

Thankful for my brother

Because he had already scrapped

 The ice off my windows

Finally, fully awake,

I take a deep breath

And try and move on

From the frustration

Of my already passing morning

“you’re lucky I love you,

Or I wouldn't have done this.” 

To say the [least]

I hate clocks that tick

A reminder that time is bound to 

Happen

That there is always a moment of detonation 

A Moment of ceasing.

To say the least,

I'd rather forget that

Time exists.

I sometimes don't like people.

All of them.

In all my extraverted-ness

I will always need to satisfy my longing 

To just be alone.

To have to answer to no one else

But God.

To say the least,

I lack visitation with myself.

I think the best feeling in the world

Is the sense of letting all

Thoughts wonder 

And manifest on their 

Own

I truly enjoy being different

And going out of my way to 

Be something that someone else 

Isn't.

But sometimes it's a curse in itself.

Feeling out of place 

Can be the worst feeling

In the world.

To say the least,

I'm accepted by many

Hated by few

And even if it was 

Vice-versa

I have enough knowledge to know

That I'm in love with a God

That is forever accepting 

How I am,

Just to say the least.

[Darkness]

I've had this obsession with the concept of darkness lately.
It's not like I want to basque in darkness or anything
It was just the idea.
I had come across a book that mentioned the world being in complete darkness,
where not even the slightest
bit of light was present.
No sunlight
Lamps,
Or candles.
Just Darkness.

So I did something crazy again.
and I took a shower in the dark.
It wasn't a difficult task at all because I had a memory of everything around me,
enabling me to take a shower the same way I could have
with the lights on.
But to imagine the whole world in darkness
 is unnerving.

We as a whole wouldn't be able  to do almost anything.
How could we create, or build if we cannot see?
All art would lose its purpose
Literature no longer be needed.
Life itself would cease to be interesting.
I imagine weeping and mourning all across the globe.

And then it hit me.
Like a truck
 full of cement.
Without light, we are hopeless and
left to stumble over ourselves.
Jesus is the light.
And without Jesus,
destruction and darkness is inevitable.

We are all children of the[Light].

The best insult ever.

"You can go take a bite out of a cows...butt."

Miss-Hap

Driving in-sync with a coal train

mirroring its speed.

Rattling tracks and squealing metal

Window down, due to lack of sight

windshield fogged

Running on E

heart racing with hope 

to arrive home 

without having to use my phone,

or hazards.

Wondering what exactly would happen
if I didn't make it home.
A sudden miss-hap
where I lose control
Collision
air -bag fails to
protect me.

My existence terminated
breath taken from my lungs
Tears shed, a heavy weight
on my loved ones shoulders

Reality returns to me like
a wrecking ball.
Scratch that.
Like a wall of ice.
and I  inhale realization

5 miles from home
car ready to give it up
AC off, Both windows down
blistering wind being the
least of my worries

finally I turn into my neighborhood
and roll to a stop
in front of my quiet house.

It's My [Bucket] list.

-Own a dog 

- Design and sell clothes better than my current job

- See the Sistine chapel 

-Stand in a place where "The Doctor" has stood. (preferably Tennant or Eccleston)

- See Van Gogh's originals

-Go to Hillsong church

- fall in love

- Meet Jon foreman

-See Switchfoot in concert

- Communicate with a Def person

- Ride in a hot air balloon in New Mexico

-Go to New Mexico

- Sing in front of 3,000+

-Publish a book

-Get married
- Drive a Rickshaw (Or Tuk Tuk)
-Get a tattoo
-Move out
-Pull the ultimate April fool's prank.
- Own a longboard
- Kiss someone in the rain
- pet/hug a lion

- Sit and eat at a Nandos restaurant

-ride a camel 
-  Go to Nashville and visit Olan Rodgers Soda Parlor, and if I am Lucky, meet Olan himself 

[more will be added to the list later]