I Need To [Do This].

I've literally  tried to write this post four different times in the course of a month. Things are just constantly getting in the way. I can never find a time where I just sit down, and do something that makes me feel good about myself. Every time I've tried to write a post, I have started each one with a different title.
One was titled "culture shock " but I stopped mid paragraph because I couldn't actually write anything that had to do with what is happening with my life right there in that moment.
I have so much going on I am struggling to keep them all together in my head.
So to actually start this post, I am just going to list what is happening in the life of Arielle.

School - I have all  the school work ever. Almost more than I can handle.
Youth Ministry- I love my girls more than anything, but right now we've hit a couple of bumps in our journey together and it has been a little tough. I love every second with my favorite little ladies.
Friends - BALANCING MY FRIENDSHIPS. I wanna be close with  a lot of people, but holy freaking man is it difficult.
Potential lovers -  I chuckled at this, because there are none. Sure, I may be fond of someone, but little miss Arielle is, and probably will forever will be known as "My friend Arielle". HEY GUYS WHATS UP. I mean, I'm just ready to be close to someone on a relationship kind of level. I AM READY TO GO. Others like to tell me," Your'e young. Live while you can." HA. Yep, young and  I have the desire to be in a relationship. But don't worry, the search is over, (that's a lie, my menu is always open) But patience.
also, Pairs don't grow on trees gentleman.
Friends gig - I am so incredibly stoked for this day in particular, because I haven't been to a good concert in a good while. Not only is my friend opening for a band that is so stinking good I cross my eyes every time I mention how good they are, I also have the freaking opportunity to meet them. It's gonna be beyond awesome. So. Freaking. Stoked.
Homeless people watching - I get to chill out and be security all night. I might even get to connect with some people. Kind of excited, but also not because well, sleep.
Thanksgiving - This will be a moment where I can just chill out with my family and eat all the food I want. oh wait.
I work retail.
Black Friday - Two words: Thirteen hours.
Work - I stinking love all the people I work with. I hate the higher management. Don't apply for retail unless you know the company well, and the company itself has their crap together.
A Friends November wedding - I got a hot date, and her and I have Fro telepathy. so it'll be fun cause we gon look hawt. and I'm gonna do my hair all nice. I might even put on fake eyelashes. hahahaha... Totally won't because, I ain't about that artificial life. (menu will be wide open ya'll)
A friends December wedding- I also have a date, but with a dear friend of mine.
Another wedding in December - My step mom is making the desserts for this wedding, and I will help make all the desserts in the world. There will only be about 50 people there, but we are making about six different things.
Over 50 cookies
Over 50 brownies
lots of cheescake
home-made candy
and all the cupcakes in the world.
all that have to be freshly made for the day of the wedding.
Christmas - More family time^.^ But actual family time this time.
Then, 
Isreal the day after Christmas. I GET TO RIDE A CAMEL
and sleep underneath the stars on a ground that Jesus himself roamed.
and the best part is, I get to spend 11 days OUTSIDE of America (I love America, I just want to experience something different, and a culture shock.)
with the people who kinda have my heart. #SEUMAlife

In no particular order, this is just a chunk that I have floating around my noggin at every moment of every day.
I needed to get all that out, because, I was on the verge of exploding.


Me currently.


 But wait, i'm chill. Promise.

Just on the verge of insanity.

Ignoramus.

I'm not sure if I’ll actually post this or not because it may get a little bit personal.

But if you're reading this currently, it means that I posted it.

 Duh.

I have feelings.

I may not necessarily show them all the time,

But they’re there. Promise.

So at the age of twenty, I am going to discuss the subject of boys.

Yep. Boys.

I do this thing where I’ll like someone for a good period of time then outta no where

They throw the “Oh, Arielle?

Her and I are just friends” phrase in my face.

Why you do this?

It crushes me into a million tiny little pieces.

I swear I’ve been sprayed with permanent “attractive guy repellent”.

 For weeks I’d look at my phone helplessly only to see no text message

From someone I potentially care a lot about.

Ok they might be busy, but hey. So am I.

But you boys are so freaking confusing.

I’ll have this inkling of someone potentially liking me.

Then years later I come to find out you did like me, but didn’t do ANYTHING about it.

I mean what the crap?

Why don’t you guys just grow a pear and say something for once?

Oh you guys also do this thing where you’ll text and talk to us and flirt with us like you

Like us.

WRONG.

You’re just being a “nice guy”.

NO. You are an ignoramus if you think that.

Here’s lesson 1 in the book of “How woman Think”:

You can’t flirt with us without us having the slightest idea that you like us.

We WILL think that you like us. Then if the flirting continues, then WE WILL END UP LIKING YOU.

But chill out. Us liking you is not us declaring that we want your babies,

Or wanna get married right then and there

Or even want a serious relationship. Not yet anyways.

All we want AT THAT VERY MOMENT is for you to just acknowledge

The fact that you too care about us.

So send us cute text messages.

Get to know us. Be genuinely interested.

THEN.

IF... (I say if lightly because it  almost NEVER happens)

We approve of you, we may be interested in a relationship.

This is when you should ask us out.

But seriously, that NEVER BLOODY HAPPENS.

I’m at this stage in life where a lot of my friends

are already in serious relationships.

And getting married.

I’ll jokingly say, “haha I want to get married right now!”

When I don’t actually have any desire of getting married

Right now.

I honestly just want that person in my life that I can care for on such a level of profoundness... I can't even fathom that yet.

Because at the same time, I am insanely terrified of being in a relationship.

How the heck is that possible?

I guess I am now and forever will be
 the [Ignoramus] with the awesome permanent attractive guy repellent sprayed all over me. 

My Crappy Redundant Thoughts

There are just some things in life that we can't change.
This in itself drives me ape crazy. Yeah, APE CRAZY. Not because I'm a controlling freak, but because
when it comes to those things, It's usually aspects about my life that I don't like.
Such as the way I look.
 I know what all ya'll are thinking, how could I not like the way that I look?
Easy.

 When I was in middle school I was put down so hard.
I hated my natural hair so I kept it straight alllll the freaking time. Even when my hair was straight,
I hated it. I got comments like:
 " Your hair is the same color as your skin" and "What are you? Albino?"
So I hated the way I looked. All the time.

Has the way that I feel about myself changed since then?
Meh.

I still have moments where I look at myself in the mirror and think,
"I would look so much more attractive if I had softer, white girl hair." or.
"Man, if only I didn't have acne" or, "If I was as successful as her"
Or my favorite,
"If only I looked like this chick (insert perfect white chick here), then maybe
the guy I liked would actually talk to me."


I honestly hate looking at myself so much sometimes. But what I hate most is that I literally
 do it to myself.

If I would just take a couple of steps back and realize...

Ok, I'm going to get really cliche.
But only because it's the cold hard truth.

...How could I [redundantly] put myself down when I know that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".
I am sure as beans that God doesn't sit on his throne day by day, throwing negative thoughts into my head.
I have come to the understanding that
I HAVE TO MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN MYSELF.
I  cannot wallow around in my low self esteem, and expect it to just be flushed away.
So I've decided to do this thing I call "Do me". Which is me basically not giving two rats bottoms what
the world wants to think about me and my hair or skin color. If I wanna dress a certain way ( without lacking modesty but totally lacking all girlishness and femininity ) then I'm gonna rock it. To show how little I care really will be the best thing I've ever done. But I will strategically do it, so that I won't be cocky or selfish, but I will then be able to focus all my energy on ministry and what I love doing.

So ladies.
and gents.
Your'e perf. Just the way you are, sitting here reading my blog.
Unless you're an ax murdering serial killing drug addict..
well,
If you're an ax murdering serial killing drug addict, you really should find yourself.
Cause Jesus forgives everyone.

Calamine Lotion and The Jonas Brothers.

After having my brilliant computer log me out of my blogger account, it has taken me days (really weeks) to remember my password.

Of course when I had given up and decided to end my struggle with remembering my password, I tried just throwing in a capital letter into the password that I last remember using.

And it worked.

 Figures.

So I am now sitting here. Trying to figure out something that could stand for a substantial blog post.

Let's go over the current events from today:

I stayed in bed until 12.

Now I have my reasons, I'm not a complete bum.

I was having one of the coolest dreams ever.

In my dream, I was on the run from the world because apparently batman was "the bad guy".

But he was also my father.

wut.

YEAH THAT. 

Then after waking up, and watching about five episodes of iCarly, (yes, I'm such a child)

I cleaned my room. Woo exciting right? What would have taken me about half an hour, took me two hours because I was jammin' hard to The Jonas brothers(still a child).

When I mean jammin', I mean that I was running around in my pj's singing "Hold On" and "Year 3000" at the top of my lungs. 

If they ever got back together, I could see myself joining their band, and them changing the band name to "The Jonas Family". 

Or I could just marry into the family. Which ever comes first.

Also, My armpits itch. 

 Why?

Because certain people are allergic to certain deodorants. And those certain deodorants happen to be most of them. 

Degree, secret, dove, speed stick. 

The only brand that hasn't failed me (yet) is Old Spice. 

My armpits itched so badly that I spread about an inch of calamine lotion onto the underpart of my arms. 

I know, I sound like an idiot.

Just when you see a girl vigorously scratching her armpits like a deranged ape, know that she's probably allergic to her deodorant. 

 *mental face palm* I'm just so irresistible to the opposite gender.

SIDE NOTE: I call dibs on Nick Jonas.

I'm a firebird.

IIt's the first day of me being apart of the Potomac youth camp staff. 

And I feel like hurling. 

The inevitability of people not liking me, and me failing as a counselor swallow any chance of thinking about having a good time. 

I open the door to the token prayer room and hold my breath.

 We are early, so we are one of the first groups to show up.

I relax a little.

I've been praying about this. I know that God wouldn't send me here to be destroyed by kids  with big egos. He brought me here to lead them. 

It begins. We are given a paraphrased version of the rules and code of conduct, and we are sent to work on our teams flag. 

Others go to Walmart to buy things to attach to their flag, while I and my co- counselor figure out what to do for our flag. Not many options, so we choose to free hand everything and sproose it up with glitter and feathers.

The flag took us forever, we finished the main details at around 1 in the morning with still things left to do. It was beautiful. 

And so, it was then that I became a Firebird. Or so I thought.

I was determined to encourage the kids on the sports field and scream until  my voice had left me.

Day 1: I wake up, and my voice is already gone. I didn't even have the chance to scream our cheer yet.

It's time for me to meet the girls I get to counsel for the week. 

I put on my I'm-not-nervous-to-meet-you-all face on and walk into their rooms. 

Holy cow. [moo]

Every one of them are the coolest people I could have ever imagined to meet. Each one equipped with their own personality and perspective on the world. 

After meeting my girls, I begin to develope a sense of being comfortable.

I'm not sure how comfortable they were, with my screechy man voice and incredibly invasive sense of humor.

The rest of the week goes according to plan, with having to scrape some of my girls out of their beds in the morning, to coaching them on the field(and in their rooms because I don't even think the word "tidy" stuck in their brains),to leading them in prayer and worship during the services. I loved every moment with these girls. 

I even made friends with other students, got told that I looked like River Song from Doctor Who, and got pushed into the pool. 

It was a blast. I couldn't be more proud. My kids say that I was a great counselor, but I truly believe that it was them that had shaped me into a good counselor. God totally knew what he was doing.

So when I say I became a firebird at camp, that is an understatement.

I was a firebird at heart.

Stay orange my friends.

[Created] By Chad Payne

Make me a fire

Set me a blaze

Burn the whole world down

But when the ashes fall

We all begin to see

That the dust of the world is what's in our bones

Put there and sowed together with words

Your light is an xray

Exposing all the demons in our blood

I fall to my knees and scream for the rain

The water that I drink is the blood of the son

Washing me clean 

So drown me in a sea

Burn me from the inside out

It's a reminder that all I'm made of

Is by the words of your tongue. 

A Perspective. By Mark Hegeman

        Who am I kidding? I saw it coming from a mile away. That 18 wheeler of "you're not good enoughs" and "not now, but maybe laters" had sideswiped me and I feel like I let it. In my rear view I can replay it so clearly. Horn blaring and lights flashing all the signs for a disaster were present and now I'm here on the side of the road laying in a pool of myself with my emotional entrails in my hands. Is it weird I feel warm? I can feel myself baking in the hot sun. I can feel my heart beating to the beat of the song still playing on the radio. I maybe in the midst of a disaster but I can still find solace and beauty in the breakdown of things. I get to lay what I'm made of out on the table and examine every piece of me that wasn't worth the fight. The autopsy will read like this, he was a fine young man. 5'11 when he wanted to impress someone 5'10 when no one was asking. He didn't die but here he lay in our morgue. His heart still beats but his old life lay on the table. Your smile was shattered in several places, probably do to my attitude. Your patience suffered several lacerations which the doctors believe to be due to the pressure of being with me. I watched all of these conclusions find their place on the report from my ghostly corner, still carrying my heart, still beating to some ghastly tune still playing on the radio. I am silent and still. Still thinking about being better and still laying on the table while the doctors probe and find out more about me than me myself. The funny thing is as empty as I feel, as lonely as you left me, that's where I find peace. You forget that alone is how you met me. I found company amongst the buzzards and as they peeled me back layer by layer just like these lab coats I saw what I was made of, I saw underneath all the bullshit, I was always the man you wanted, you just didn't.