Ignoramus.

I'm not sure if I’ll actually post this or not because it may get a little bit personal.

But if you're reading this currently, it means that I posted it.

 Duh.

I have feelings.

I may not necessarily show them all the time,

But they’re there. Promise.

So at the age of twenty, I am going to discuss the subject of boys.

Yep. Boys.

I do this thing where I’ll like someone for a good period of time then outta no where

They throw the “Oh, Arielle?

Her and I are just friends” phrase in my face.

Why you do this?

It crushes me into a million tiny little pieces.

I swear I’ve been sprayed with permanent “attractive guy repellent”.

 For weeks I’d look at my phone helplessly only to see no text message

From someone I potentially care a lot about.

Ok they might be busy, but hey. So am I.

But you boys are so freaking confusing.

I’ll have this inkling of someone potentially liking me.

Then years later I come to find out you did like me, but didn’t do ANYTHING about it.

I mean what the crap?

Why don’t you guys just grow a pear and say something for once?

Oh you guys also do this thing where you’ll text and talk to us and flirt with us like you

Like us.

WRONG.

You’re just being a “nice guy”.

NO. You are an ignoramus if you think that.

Here’s lesson 1 in the book of “How woman Think”:

You can’t flirt with us without us having the slightest idea that you like us.

We WILL think that you like us. Then if the flirting continues, then WE WILL END UP LIKING YOU.

But chill out. Us liking you is not us declaring that we want your babies,

Or wanna get married right then and there

Or even want a serious relationship. Not yet anyways.

All we want AT THAT VERY MOMENT is for you to just acknowledge

The fact that you too care about us.

So send us cute text messages.

Get to know us. Be genuinely interested.

THEN.

IF... (I say if lightly because it  almost NEVER happens)

We approve of you, we may be interested in a relationship.

This is when you should ask us out.

But seriously, that NEVER BLOODY HAPPENS.

I’m at this stage in life where a lot of my friends

are already in serious relationships.

And getting married.

I’ll jokingly say, “haha I want to get married right now!”

When I don’t actually have any desire of getting married

Right now.

I honestly just want that person in my life that I can care for on such a level of profoundness... I can't even fathom that yet.

Because at the same time, I am insanely terrified of being in a relationship.

How the heck is that possible?

I guess I am now and forever will be
 the [Ignoramus] with the awesome permanent attractive guy repellent sprayed all over me. 

My Crappy Redundant Thoughts

There are just some things in life that we can't change.
This in itself drives me ape crazy. Yeah, APE CRAZY. Not because I'm a controlling freak, but because
when it comes to those things, It's usually aspects about my life that I don't like.
Such as the way I look.
 I know what all ya'll are thinking, how could I not like the way that I look?
Easy.

 When I was in middle school I was put down so hard.
I hated my natural hair so I kept it straight alllll the freaking time. Even when my hair was straight,
I hated it. I got comments like:
 " Your hair is the same color as your skin" and "What are you? Albino?"
So I hated the way I looked. All the time.

Has the way that I feel about myself changed since then?
Meh.

I still have moments where I look at myself in the mirror and think,
"I would look so much more attractive if I had softer, white girl hair." or.
"Man, if only I didn't have acne" or, "If I was as successful as her"
Or my favorite,
"If only I looked like this chick (insert perfect white chick here), then maybe
the guy I liked would actually talk to me."


I honestly hate looking at myself so much sometimes. But what I hate most is that I literally
 do it to myself.

If I would just take a couple of steps back and realize...

Ok, I'm going to get really cliche.
But only because it's the cold hard truth.

...How could I [redundantly] put myself down when I know that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".
I am sure as beans that God doesn't sit on his throne day by day, throwing negative thoughts into my head.
I have come to the understanding that
I HAVE TO MAKE THE DIFFERENCE IN MYSELF.
I  cannot wallow around in my low self esteem, and expect it to just be flushed away.
So I've decided to do this thing I call "Do me". Which is me basically not giving two rats bottoms what
the world wants to think about me and my hair or skin color. If I wanna dress a certain way ( without lacking modesty but totally lacking all girlishness and femininity ) then I'm gonna rock it. To show how little I care really will be the best thing I've ever done. But I will strategically do it, so that I won't be cocky or selfish, but I will then be able to focus all my energy on ministry and what I love doing.

So ladies.
and gents.
Your'e perf. Just the way you are, sitting here reading my blog.
Unless you're an ax murdering serial killing drug addict..
well,
If you're an ax murdering serial killing drug addict, you really should find yourself.
Cause Jesus forgives everyone.