Bittersweet Disposition

To live in a world of hatred

a world of distorted disposition.

Is a challenge in itself. 

But the world revolves around a cause and effect sort of deal.

We all like to blame 

Everything and everyone but ourselves 

But we search for reasons to continue 

Being what we aren't

I sit and ponder this 

Criss-cross style on the edge 

Of a river

Letting the sound of the light brown 

Waves pull me.

No sun is visible, but it's unmistakably bright 

Making me squint my eyes

This place isn't my own

But in that moment I am alone.

The good kind of alone.

Past events that surf through

 my mind 

are lulled away with the rhythm of the tide. 

I normally take longer to 

Recooperate 

This time, I grab my stuff and leave 

Right before the sun sets 

Getting into my car

I start my engine 

And begin to drive back

To I'm not sure where

I then let my thoughts wonder

And I think about having a 

Significant other and 

Long to 

Be held 

And put before almost anything

Except God.

To have someone understand 

My misunderstandings 

And relate to the unrelatable.

But it's all in the hands of God, 

Because I sure as heck 

Don't trust anyone enough 

To take that place in my life 

Yeah I'm single 

And yeah I'll tell you I'm happy

Being a single woman

But it's hard

And irritating.

 But hey, 

It's bittersweet disposition.

frustration level: MAX

Searing pain shoots up into my leg

Slowly getting worse with each second

 I imagine that the table has no damage

Because my toe has no match

To the wooden leg attached to the table

No breaks

Just bruises

I guess this is how I’m going

To start my glorious morning

I had already tripped up the stairs.

And slipped on the tile 

In my bathroom

Stepping out of the comfort

Of the warm tub.

Maybe gravity decided to pick on me today.

 Well good morning gravity.

It’s a school day, so

Approximately twenty minutes before

I have to get to school

Haven’t even brushed my teeth yet

Or fluffed my hair

Or picked out an outfit.

“hey can you take me to school?

I missed the bus”

Pleading brother asking to take him

Because no one else could

20 minutes now decreased to 5.

Skip breakfast

No makeup

Brush teeth

Rush out the door.

It’s freezing outside

The cold hitting my cheeks

Making goose bumps rise on my arms

My car is frosted over

Forcing me to have to scrape

All the windows in order for me

To drive safely

I go to open my door

It’s locked

Oh wait.

It’s frozen shut.

Joy.

I am for sure going to be late now

Ten minutes till I have to be at school

Running inside to grab a cup of warm water

I slip going up the stairs – again.

I’m about to give up

I start pouring the water on my door

I give it a tug

Nothing

Another

And finally, the door comes open

And I start my car

Thankful for my brother

Because he had already scrapped

 The ice off my windows

Finally, fully awake,

I take a deep breath

And try and move on

From the frustration

Of my already passing morning

“you’re lucky I love you,

Or I wouldn't have done this.” 

To say the [least]

I hate clocks that tick

A reminder that time is bound to 

Happen

That there is always a moment of detonation 

A Moment of ceasing.

To say the least,

I'd rather forget that

Time exists.

I sometimes don't like people.

All of them.

In all my extraverted-ness

I will always need to satisfy my longing 

To just be alone.

To have to answer to no one else

But God.

To say the least,

I lack visitation with myself.

I think the best feeling in the world

Is the sense of letting all

Thoughts wonder 

And manifest on their 

Own

I truly enjoy being different

And going out of my way to 

Be something that someone else 

Isn't.

But sometimes it's a curse in itself.

Feeling out of place 

Can be the worst feeling

In the world.

To say the least,

I'm accepted by many

Hated by few

And even if it was 

Vice-versa

I have enough knowledge to know

That I'm in love with a God

That is forever accepting 

How I am,

Just to say the least.

[Darkness]

I've had this obsession with the concept of darkness lately.
It's not like I want to basque in darkness or anything
It was just the idea.
I had come across a book that mentioned the world being in complete darkness,
where not even the slightest
bit of light was present.
No sunlight
Lamps,
Or candles.
Just Darkness.

So I did something crazy again.
and I took a shower in the dark.
It wasn't a difficult task at all because I had a memory of everything around me,
enabling me to take a shower the same way I could have
with the lights on.
But to imagine the whole world in darkness
 is unnerving.

We as a whole wouldn't be able  to do almost anything.
How could we create, or build if we cannot see?
All art would lose its purpose
Literature no longer be needed.
Life itself would cease to be interesting.
I imagine weeping and mourning all across the globe.

And then it hit me.
Like a truck
 full of cement.
Without light, we are hopeless and
left to stumble over ourselves.
Jesus is the light.
And without Jesus,
destruction and darkness is inevitable.

We are all children of the[Light].

The best insult ever.

"You can go take a bite out of a cows...butt."

Miss-Hap

Driving in-sync with a coal train

mirroring its speed.

Rattling tracks and squealing metal

Window down, due to lack of sight

windshield fogged

Running on E

heart racing with hope 

to arrive home 

without having to use my phone,

or hazards.

Wondering what exactly would happen
if I didn't make it home.
A sudden miss-hap
where I lose control
Collision
air -bag fails to
protect me.

My existence terminated
breath taken from my lungs
Tears shed, a heavy weight
on my loved ones shoulders

Reality returns to me like
a wrecking ball.
Scratch that.
Like a wall of ice.
and I  inhale realization

5 miles from home
car ready to give it up
AC off, Both windows down
blistering wind being the
least of my worries

finally I turn into my neighborhood
and roll to a stop
in front of my quiet house.

It's My [Bucket] list.

-Own a dog 

- Design and sell clothes better than my current job

- See the Sistine chapel 

-Stand in a place where "The Doctor" has stood. (preferably Tennant or Eccleston)

- See Van Gogh's originals

-Go to Hillsong church

- fall in love

- Meet Jon foreman

-See Switchfoot in concert

- Communicate with a Def person

- Ride in a hot air balloon in New Mexico

-Go to New Mexico

- Sing in front of 3,000+

-Publish a book

-Get married
- Drive a Rickshaw (Or Tuk Tuk)
-Get a tattoo
-Move out
-Pull the ultimate April fool's prank.
- Own a longboard
- Kiss someone in the rain
- pet/hug a lion

- Sit and eat at a Nandos restaurant

-ride a camel 
-  Go to Nashville and visit Olan Rodgers Soda Parlor, and if I am Lucky, meet Olan himself 

[more will be added to the list later]